it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
