Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
