I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
