I heard we made out
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
