Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
