brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Will you blow on my dice?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
