i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
