Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
