she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
