cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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