the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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