just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
