Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
it's like heaven, but drunker
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
