broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
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Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
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Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important