there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
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Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.