You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I didn't notice because vodka
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you