I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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You're like the curious george of whores
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere