my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
