Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize