I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
