that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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