I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
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You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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