if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
