I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
