gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
