so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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