hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
