she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
