i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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