my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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