apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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