I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
