there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
