Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I checked into jail on foursquare
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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