her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
