I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
