I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
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Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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