My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
