Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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