My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
