My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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