My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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