i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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