I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
