Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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