I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
40s are totally the cure
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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