I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
