First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
