So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
