i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
