Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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