apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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