So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
