Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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