It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
