I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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