if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
